This guide has been reviewed and refreshed with practical guidance for today’s workplace.
What comes to mind when you hear the phrase “tough conversation”?
Many conversations feel tough when they involve giving an employee or coworker constructive feedback, addressing a performance concern, or disagreeing with someone. There can be a lot at stake, especially when the conversation takes place at work.
When these conversations are avoided or mishandled, they can lead to disengagement, damage relationships, and create distrust.
Many people avoid difficult conversations because they are uncomfortable. However, learning how to handle them thoughtfully is an essential workplace skill.
When I think about people who are successful at work and in their relationships, they often have one thing in common: They can navigate difficult conversations while helping others feel respected and supported.
That is why I am sharing a practical process you can use to approach tough conversations with greater confidence and help everyone leave with greater clarity and a path forward.
Here are my eight steps for navigating tough conversations at work.
Part 1: Before the conversation
Before having a tough conversation, there is some important preparation you can do to set yourself up for success. Thinking through the following four steps can make all the difference.
1. Define your intention
First, define your real intention for having the conversation. People can often sense your underlying motives, even when you do not express them directly.
For example, imagine that you take a moment to reflect and realize your intention is to prove that your boss is wrong and you are right. A conversation driven by that goal is unlikely to move anyone forward.
However, if your intention is to help your boss understand that a planned approach could negatively affect a customer or the business, you can move forward with a more constructive conversation.
Ask yourself: Why am I having this conversation, and what do I genuinely hope it will accomplish?
2. Decide what outcome you want
Before the conversation begins, identify what you hope to achieve.
If your desired outcome is to maintain a positive relationship with your boss while making progress with an important customer, keep that goal at the front of your mind throughout the conversation. This is especially important if emotions begin to rise.
Emotions can quickly take over a conversation and push logical thinking aside. When we feel threatened or defensive, our brains may shift into fight or flight mode. That response can be helpful when we are facing physical danger, but it is not particularly useful during a workplace conversation.
Remembering your desired outcome can help you continue thinking clearly. If you notice yourself becoming too emotional to participate productively, pause the conversation and return to it when you feel calm and focused.
3. Separate facts from assumptions
You have decided to have the conversation, clarified your intention, and identified the outcome you want. The next step is to separate the facts from your thoughts and feelings about the situation.
In all my years working in HR, I have learned that this step can make a significant difference in conversations and relationships.
For example, imagine that a new employee is late completing a project. You might begin thinking that the employee is not invested in the job or is incapable of doing the work.
The fact is that the project is late. You do not know for certain that the employee is not invested or incapable. Those are interpretations you have added to the situation.
Do not allow assumptions to drive your actions. Ask yourself, “What do I know for sure?” Then watch for the opinions, interpretations, and emotions that your brain may be presenting as facts.
4. Pay attention to nonverbal communication
Your words matter, but so do your tone, facial expressions, posture, and pace. When those signals do not match, people are more likely to trust what they see and hear in your delivery than the words alone.
For example, imagine telling an employee that they are doing a great job while scowling, avoiding eye contact, or speaking in a harsh tone. The employee may have difficulty believing the positive message because your delivery communicates something different.
Before beginning a tough conversation, pause and consider what your tone and body language may be communicating. Make sure your delivery supports the message you intend to convey.
Part 2: During the conversation
Once you have completed the preparation and are ready to begin, use the following steps to create a more productive conversation.
5. Create psychological safety
Psychological safety is essential for a productive conversation. But what does that mean in practice?
Creating psychological safety means listening openly, communicating respectfully, showing empathy, and avoiding blame. When people feel safe, they are more likely to participate honestly, consider another perspective, and work toward a solution.
When someone feels unsafe, they may shut down, become defensive, or forcefully repeat their position. If you notice this happening, continuing to push the conversation is unlikely to help.
Instead, you might say, “I feel like we are stuck and may not be hearing each other. Would it help to take a break and come back to this conversation?”
You can also pause and restate your intention, clarify what you hope to accomplish, and reassure the person that you want to work toward a constructive outcome.
6. Listen openly
Approach the conversation with curiosity and a willingness to learn. Do not enter the discussion believing that you already have the only correct answer.
Have you ever tried to talk with someone who was so committed to their position that they could not hear anything you were saying? How productive was that conversation?
Do not become that person. Listen without immediately judging or preparing your response. Ask questions, confirm what you heard, and remain open to information that could change your understanding of the situation.
Being open does not mean you must agree with everything the other person says. It means you are making a genuine effort to understand their perspective before deciding how to respond.
7. Be clear
“Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.”
Many people believe they are being kind by avoiding uncomfortable conversations or sugarcoating constructive feedback. In reality, a lack of clarity often creates more confusion and frustration.
Imagine believing that you are doing an excellent job and never hearing otherwise from your manager. Then, during your performance review, you are suddenly told that you are not meeting expectations. You would likely feel shocked and hurt, making it difficult to absorb anything else your manager says.
We see this situation frequently in HR. Managers avoid giving constructive feedback until they become overwhelmed by an employee’s performance. Others soften the message so much that the employee leaves the conversation without understanding what needs to change.
Clear and constructive feedback gives someone an opportunity to understand expectations, make adjustments, and improve.
We once worked with a manager who was ready to terminate an employee for poor performance. When I asked about the employee’s performance reviews, the manager explained that they had consistently rated the employee as meeting expectations because they did not want to negatively affect the employee’s wage increases.
When I asked whether the manager had directly discussed the performance concerns with the employee, the manager responded, “I have given them some dirty looks. That should have told them I was upset with their performance.”
When we met with the employee, they had no idea that they were not meeting their manager’s expectations.
The key to clear communication is straightforward: Treat people the way you would want to be treated. Think about the information you would need to understand the concern and determine what to do next. Then provide that same clarity to the other person.
8. Practice
There may seem to be a lot to remember when navigating a difficult conversation, especially when you are also thinking about the subject of the conversation itself.
However, I have watched many people become more confident and effective as they practice these skills. Learning to have productive, difficult conversations will benefit you throughout your career.
Find someone you trust and practice the conversation before having it. Ask that person to provide constructive feedback about your words, tone, facial expressions, and body language.
You can also ask whether your intention matches the effect your message had on them. If it did not, adjust your approach and practice again.
Tough conversations are worth it
Developing the habit of addressing tough situations instead of avoiding them will benefit you and the people you work with.
Start by preparing for the conversation. Clarify your intention, identify the outcome you want, and separate the facts from the assumptions you may have made about the person or situation.
During the conversation, create psychological safety and listen with curiosity. Pay attention to your body language and tone so they support your words. Most importantly, be clear about the concern, the expectations, and what needs to happen next.
Finally, continue practicing. Ask for feedback from someone you trust and give yourself room to improve. Tough conversations may never feel completely comfortable, but they can become more productive, respectful, and manageable.
Having tough conversations is one of the core skills taught in our Fast Track Management Training. This interactive program helps managers communicate clearly, address performance concerns, navigate conflict, and lead productive teams.
Explore Fast Track Management Training.
At Turning the Corner HR, we believe meaningful work is one of life’s greatest rewards. Our mission is to help businesses create workplaces where people thrive through practical HR services and leadership training.
Originally written by Jessica Stitz, MBA, SHRM-SCP, for Turning the Corner HR.